Theme Week: Hello?

Saying hello is something every person has to do, eventually. It is an introduction to the person that follows. That's simple enough, but when you're a band who is putting out a new release, with what track do introduce the listener to your new material? How do you present your new artistic statement? Do you start a track that reassures fans that you haven't changed too much? Do you start with an example of your new sound? Do you start with the best song?

If you're Rise Against, and you're introducing Siren Song of the Counter Culture, you start with the absolutely ripping/nearly speed metal of State of the Union, which, by the way, will have you flailing your arms pretending there's a drum set in your immediate vicinity. This CD, of course, contained, their acoustic radio hit, "Swing Life Away", but as an introduction to the "new" Rise Against disc, it worked wonders. Put on the internet by the band a month in advance, the response was electric, and silenced the critics that said their new digs at Dreamworks softened them.

If you're dance-punk collective Head Automatica, and you're introducing Decadence, your best foot forward is the 2:14 ass-shaking "At the Speed of a Yellow Bullet", whose lyrical content is about an arms dealer. "I'm burning houses, baby!" Darryl exclaims and you're wondering just the guy is saying and why your hips are moving to it, but the beat just keeps going, and your body continues its motions.

If you’re math-metal wunderkinds Dillinger Escape Plan, and you’re introducing your new full length Miss Machine, you choose “Parasonic Youth” (currently downloadable on their MySpace page) as your opening track with your new singer screaming WE WROTE THESE PLANS, then you start with the inhumanly fast drumbeat with absurdly heavy guitars and you let that greet listeners who wonder if the 5 years between records and the new singer has had changed Dillinger dramatically.

Of course, if you're former-Misfits-fiends-turned-quazi-Brit-rockers AFI, and the disc you're introducing is the hotly anticipated Decemberunderground, you'll start with "Prelude 12/21" the same kind of gang vocal chanting that introduced your other major label release, Sing the Sorrow, with hints of the "cold-pop" flavor that is to come on Decemberunderground in the background.

If you're genre-defining act Minor Threat, you'll sequence your career discography such that possibly your most angry and to the point song "Filler", a 1:32 song about religion and violence, is the first song the listener hears. The aesthetic, short, fast, loud and nearly incomprehensible vocals would resonate through America.

And if you're me? You avoid the topic altogether, and weakly point back to your original post as evidence that you’ve followed through on the theme before it was announced If that doesn’t work, talk about some bands and releases you've come to cherish, and hope through speaking about the bands, the music, man, you've made a nice introduction to your character.

Oh well. Here’s how I introduce myself in public: nervously. Perhaps with a joke. A self-deprecating shot at least a minute into the conversation. Leave the vicinity as quickly as diplomatically possible, hoping I’ve come off passably.

If it’s an attractive member of the opposite sex, I just aim for not stammering and putting together a couple coherent sentences. Really, it’s all you can hope for in an introduction. Real conversations are for later.

P.S. Tom, as for who I’ve been mistaken for, the ones I remember are Daniel Radcliffe, a couple times every year, someone’s girlfriend (twice in the same week!) by the same guy, various 30 year old women and really, not much else.