The Alchemy of Madness
I was going to make a post here.
A post about dreams, aspirations. New apartments and friend's cats. A new computer! A child born into this world, full of potential - 200 gigs to be filled up with my videogames and art and music.
BUT NO.
That child was born, yes, and I type onto it right now. Except that it is infected with a terrible virus called Windows Vista.
IMAGINE IF YOU WILL that you are a person. Your name is windows! You have to go down a flight of stairs. The first time your head collides with the stairs below you, producing a meaty thump, you become Windows 3.1. Your body has too much momentum! Your own weight, your own stupid inertia, push your face along the step, shredding your face. Next step! Windows 95! Blood and beaten, you bring your hands about, trying to slow your descent, succeeding not in slowing your momentum, but in ripping the flesh from your hands and forearms. Windows XP! You're still okay! But then your arms collapse from the searing pain of being ripped apart, collapsing beneath your helpless, gamine form, and propelling you, face forward into the next step. Another meaty thunk. The descent continues, unabated, but you are deeply concussed and bleeding.
WELCOME TO WINDOWS VISTA.
Another apt metaphor - you are debating with some kind of functioning-handicapped autistic jester in the dark ages for the keys to the cell in which you are trapped. You say something clever, something any rational person would acknowledge, but all that they do is shake their foolscap and recite a limerick. THIS CONTINUES FOR THREE DAYS UNTIL YOU DIE. And then they chant riddles at your corpse.
I don't need this! I had a dream! There were airships and whores and trains! And a floating island kingdom, of which I was prince! But now, all of that is bitter ash!
Now, it may just be because Dark Side of the Moon is playing at the behest of some verbose Baristas in the coffee shawp where I EVEN NOW slurp my Red Rose Tea, but Linux seems like a good idea. Does this make any sense? Only hippies and those weird kids who get bar codes tattoo'd on the backs of their necks use Linux!
Whatever.
I'm looking for apartments on the Pittsburgh Craigslist postings, and they are daily, almost hourly spammed by some company who posts in all capital letters. At first it was annoying, and then I just ignored it. But now it seems like a good idea! I see these advertisements, and I'm like, WOW THAT IS THE BEST DEAL I'D BETTER HURRY!!!!
I distinctly remember having a life before the internet. I think I filled it with cartoons.
A post about dreams, aspirations. New apartments and friend's cats. A new computer! A child born into this world, full of potential - 200 gigs to be filled up with my videogames and art and music.
BUT NO.
That child was born, yes, and I type onto it right now. Except that it is infected with a terrible virus called Windows Vista.
IMAGINE IF YOU WILL that you are a person. Your name is windows! You have to go down a flight of stairs. The first time your head collides with the stairs below you, producing a meaty thump, you become Windows 3.1. Your body has too much momentum! Your own weight, your own stupid inertia, push your face along the step, shredding your face. Next step! Windows 95! Blood and beaten, you bring your hands about, trying to slow your descent, succeeding not in slowing your momentum, but in ripping the flesh from your hands and forearms. Windows XP! You're still okay! But then your arms collapse from the searing pain of being ripped apart, collapsing beneath your helpless, gamine form, and propelling you, face forward into the next step. Another meaty thunk. The descent continues, unabated, but you are deeply concussed and bleeding.
WELCOME TO WINDOWS VISTA.
Another apt metaphor - you are debating with some kind of functioning-handicapped autistic jester in the dark ages for the keys to the cell in which you are trapped. You say something clever, something any rational person would acknowledge, but all that they do is shake their foolscap and recite a limerick. THIS CONTINUES FOR THREE DAYS UNTIL YOU DIE. And then they chant riddles at your corpse.
I don't need this! I had a dream! There were airships and whores and trains! And a floating island kingdom, of which I was prince! But now, all of that is bitter ash!
Now, it may just be because Dark Side of the Moon is playing at the behest of some verbose Baristas in the coffee shawp where I EVEN NOW slurp my Red Rose Tea, but Linux seems like a good idea. Does this make any sense? Only hippies and those weird kids who get bar codes tattoo'd on the backs of their necks use Linux!
Whatever.
I'm looking for apartments on the Pittsburgh Craigslist postings, and they are daily, almost hourly spammed by some company who posts in all capital letters. At first it was annoying, and then I just ignored it. But now it seems like a good idea! I see these advertisements, and I'm like, WOW THAT IS THE BEST DEAL I'D BETTER HURRY!!!!
I distinctly remember having a life before the internet. I think I filled it with cartoons.
Labels: Craigslist is a great place to get Hep-C, Hateful Screed
posted by Thomas Carlyle | 11:15 PM
1 Comments:
"but Linux seems like a good idea. Does this make any sense? Only hippies and those weird kids who get bar codes tattoo'd on the backs of their necks use Linux!"
Of course it makes sense, even if many of its users are members of the man-penguin love association and devout communists.
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