Theme Week: Responsibility

Having responsibility come next in line of topics after hedonism week made me smile when I first heard about it, too. By now, it's pretty clear that we're not keeping up a post a weekday, for reasons alternately comprehensible and incomprehensible to me.

 

To keep this from getting hopelessly abstract: Let me elucidate the theme into my life right now. I will deconstruct my tenuous responsibilities during a week that I have off of school.

To my classes: To do the readings and work that I have neglected to do during the semester that I have gotten away with not doing.

To my friends from that same institution: To say what's up every so often, and hope things go well. Basically, keep lines of communication open in case something important happens, so I can be available in case of an emergency to offer support or something similar.

To my friends from home: Do try to keep in touch and possibly set something up for meetings, but they're all back in college as well. Fantastic.

To my family whom I love dearly: Spend quality time with them. Talk about important things on my mind, whether it is about my psychological profile or the current election cycle. Say the right sentences that will make my parents proud of me. Word those sentences carefully with the pauses before the Big Ideas, use the right words to show I'm learning more, expanding my vocabulary and otherwise learning and growing up. Keep my schedule open. Write something every so often.

Keep my schedule open enough, and keep it in the back of my mind that I can get a brutal phone call at any time for the next couple of months from reality that says "Drop everything. You're coming with me for a week."

To this very website: to write something for Friday today.

To myself: Find a way to be happy for an extended period of time that does not involve dating a girl. Also, to have fun and relax above all before Sunday. Laugh a lot. Get some distance. See Crime In Stereo. Actually enjoy myself. Smile and mean it when I say I had fun over break.

My responsibilities are pretty easy and pretty clear. Less so is when they come into conflict. Speaking to someone with the power to prescribe me mind-altering medication is when the responsibilities of having fun and relaxing (No, really, I'll take you around for a day, and by the end of it, you'll understand that relaxing and having fun are a responsibility, and not something that just comes easily. Were it not for my deep, abiding love of ska music, I would be the polar opposite of Big D and the Kids Table video for Noise Complaint, though that could also be expanded to say, their two other videos for their disc, Strictly Rude, which, coincidentally, you should buy. But I digress.) come into conflict with enjoying myself.

These kind of things, I trust you understand, require you to go over the worst portions of your life for the purpose of (among others) getting prescribed medicine for your head (leading me to the inevitable "Am I not good enough as is?", which is quickly pushed out by "Yes, you are, and you should know better than to ask. You're admitting you need help."), without also mentioning the good moments in between them. It is a bitter, bitter responsibility to drag out the words to recall the feelings of pain, betrayal and even more memories I don't deign to shred my throat expanding on here, and continue. 

Repeating hurt just seems to lodge it deeper in me, but to explain just how, where and how I bleed and from which arteries and how profusely, so I can help an authority decide whether my depression is deep and abiding enough to warrant medicine to alter my behavior patterns does not make my life much happier.

I am responsible enough to concede I need help, responsible enough to walk in the door, responsible enough to sit down and go through all this again, and it leaves me with no small amount of chagrin that I might not be responsible enough to enjoy myself.

Lest you think my world is all doom and gloom, there are also good things, little projects in my mind and disseminated in the world that make me smile, that I get updated on every so often, which in fact, are some of my other responsibilities, which I hope to be able to speak about soon. 

It's a hell of a break.