Quality Or Quantity: Returning
Today (well, tonight), it's about my own fear of the future and falling into comfortable traps or living patterns, using Crime In Stereo as the thread that ties the ideas together.
I can't listen to Crime In Stereo anymore. At least not until they release something new. It's not that I've gotten tired of them or that I've stopped thinking about what lyrics I want to get tattooed on me. I still haven't, but that the songs that aren't about girls are imbued with a sense of my time spent at Allegheny College. Listening to "Love" or "Takbir" not walking up the hill to the Campus Center on the mean streets of Meadville feels wrong.
I haven't learned to come back yet. Whether it's seeing a particular ex-girlfriend or an ex-city I'm living in again. It takes a lot of pain to see the same people/places/songs/ideas with different lenses. I haven't listened to "For Exes" in months. I've been force-feeding myself "...But You Are Vast" because that's one of the songs they play live and well, I want to be able to scream along without showing any other emotion. (There's not much room for guys doing non-heteronormative things at shows, and I already have a couple strikes against me: I have long, blond hair that I refuse to dye, spike or mohawk and wear glasses.) I have not yet listened to Animal Pharm since returning and considering the intensity of that feeling when I first heard the song, I'm not looking forward to it showing up by accident on my iPod.
Entering Chicago without real prospects except sleep and write as much as I can in a low pressure environment doesn't really feel like anything except the idea that I'm disappointing my parents and friends isn't coming back. It's returning to whatever I was doing in between semester of college.
I already return too much. I can't even listen to Explosives and the Will to Use Them without returning to those thoughts of days and nights in Meadville. (I can assure you, moving back to the big city has neutered my nightlife considerably. Maybe when I start getting back out to shows will my life get more interesting, but for now, I am comforted by my stacks of books and videogames to be read and played.) Perhaps I am expecting too much of myself to rid myself of deeply entrenched feelings with songs only days removed from my previous context. Alex (via Kristian) is right: The memories invade the things I keep with me.
I recognize that it is probably emotionally unhealthy for me to return to gut wrenching songs over girls and people but hell, there's a bounce in my step when I hear "Arson at 563" or "Terribly Softly" that I don't get anywhere else.
It's not all bad news, though. I'm getting to bed here a lot earlier than I would I would at Allegheny, I'm taking better care of myself and I'm watching what I eat. Gimme a couple days and I'll probably get more exercise, too. Part of me is happier here, in between the sadness that comes along with being separated from a group of people you're close to. But! Within a couple months, my high school friends will be back from their colleges and I will hopefully be seeing them on weekends or weekdays, if I am lucky. They will lift my spirits, and hopefully, I can lift theirs, if they need lifting. Please don't remind me that it won't be like this next year.
I have returned to my parent's house. The problem is, I just need to come back.
I can't listen to Crime In Stereo anymore. At least not until they release something new. It's not that I've gotten tired of them or that I've stopped thinking about what lyrics I want to get tattooed on me. I still haven't, but that the songs that aren't about girls are imbued with a sense of my time spent at Allegheny College. Listening to "Love" or "Takbir" not walking up the hill to the Campus Center on the mean streets of Meadville feels wrong.
I haven't learned to come back yet. Whether it's seeing a particular ex-girlfriend or an ex-city I'm living in again. It takes a lot of pain to see the same people/places/songs/ideas with different lenses. I haven't listened to "For Exes" in months. I've been force-feeding myself "...But You Are Vast" because that's one of the songs they play live and well, I want to be able to scream along without showing any other emotion. (There's not much room for guys doing non-heteronormative things at shows, and I already have a couple strikes against me: I have long, blond hair that I refuse to dye, spike or mohawk and wear glasses.) I have not yet listened to Animal Pharm since returning and considering the intensity of that feeling when I first heard the song, I'm not looking forward to it showing up by accident on my iPod.
Entering Chicago without real prospects except sleep and write as much as I can in a low pressure environment doesn't really feel like anything except the idea that I'm disappointing my parents and friends isn't coming back. It's returning to whatever I was doing in between semester of college.
I already return too much. I can't even listen to Explosives and the Will to Use Them without returning to those thoughts of days and nights in Meadville. (I can assure you, moving back to the big city has neutered my nightlife considerably. Maybe when I start getting back out to shows will my life get more interesting, but for now, I am comforted by my stacks of books and videogames to be read and played.) Perhaps I am expecting too much of myself to rid myself of deeply entrenched feelings with songs only days removed from my previous context. Alex (via Kristian) is right: The memories invade the things I keep with me.
I recognize that it is probably emotionally unhealthy for me to return to gut wrenching songs over girls and people but hell, there's a bounce in my step when I hear "Arson at 563" or "Terribly Softly" that I don't get anywhere else.
It's not all bad news, though. I'm getting to bed here a lot earlier than I would I would at Allegheny, I'm taking better care of myself and I'm watching what I eat. Gimme a couple days and I'll probably get more exercise, too. Part of me is happier here, in between the sadness that comes along with being separated from a group of people you're close to. But! Within a couple months, my high school friends will be back from their colleges and I will hopefully be seeing them on weekends or weekdays, if I am lucky. They will lift my spirits, and hopefully, I can lift theirs, if they need lifting. Please don't remind me that it won't be like this next year.
I have returned to my parent's house. The problem is, I just need to come back.
Labels: crime in stereo, quality or quantity, returning
posted by James Thomas à Becket | 11:06 PM
2 Comments:
Hmm. I hate transitions like that. At least, this should be the last time this sort of thing has to happen (unless you go to grad school).
Yeah, I'm looking very intently at grad schools now, for sure.
Perhaps I ought to write about that today...
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