Oh, blogger, you wacky web thingy. I can't enter in a title for this post. I don't know why. Perhaps because my computer is made entirely out of potatos. Or something.
Anyway, this week's theme (which is almost over! We are masters of timely writing!) is Transit, if you couldn't guess, and it's especially relevant to me right now, as I'm noving to New York City for some reason. I guess. I mean, everyone does eventually, right? Unless you're like James, and live in Chicago, and are like, whatevs*. But given that right now I live in the middle of bumblefuck nowhere, it'll be a nice shift. For example, when bored, I can walk out of my sublet, and see things. As opposed to now, where I basically just get bored and then eat food.
*Whatevs indeed, James.
It's not really too new for me. I've been to New York before, and I know not to look up at them fancy-pants tall buildings (else betray my sorghum-root chewing, squirrel-eatin', hee-haw watching roots), though the last time I was there I got this awful sore throat. It wasn't too bad, since I talked like Tom Waits for a solid week, and got a free cup of tea at this cafe once. So I can't help but wonder if Real Tom Waits gets things like that - people offering him cough drops, throat lozenges, soothing chamomile tea. It must be pretty nice!
Speaking of scary things, I am infested with bird mites. They came from a nest of baby birds that live out on the back porch. Needless to say, the birds no longer live there, and their mites are slowly going away too. Having been infested with things before, though, I gotta say, bird mites are the way to go - they wash off easy, don't leave any horrifying, itchy marks, and barely bite at all.
Though, right, yes, Transit. I take the train. I would take the train to the effing moon if I could. It's like riding in a larger plane, where instead of being surrounded by vacationers, you are surrounded by one of four types of people, which I shall detail thusly.
1. Menonites - there will be dozens of them, and they all leave around Philadelphia. To where? Who knows! Once there was a large family of them on the same train as I, and they had an adorable child. The child, maybe two years old, kept walking back to me and staring. The anxious father, who looked to be about eighteen, would quickly scoop the child up, like I was the devil or something. When the father dropped the child on it's head while disembarking, I couldn't help but feel that my revenge was complete. Then I found out I was deriving joy from a child's injury.
I am good people!
2. Drug Dealers - you will know them, because they are dressed very well. Suspiciously well. Like, shouldn't be riding the train well. Their luggage is nice, their clothes are nice, and their cell phones are shiny and clean. They make poor conversationalists, though, perhaps because they hate the game, or something. Whatever, they're almost as big a bunch of douchebags as the menonites.
3. Old People - there was a time in my life when I didn't have any friends below the age of 65, so I dig old people. They're frequently crazy about Jesus. I once had an old man walk up to me, and ask me if I was a Christian. I responded that yes, I am, I'm Catholic. He then told me that boy, he's sure glad he knows the love of Jesus Christ. And I was like, yep. We then sat in awkward silence for two hours, before he started talking about Pittsburgh. Another time, I sat next to an older black lady, who was accompanying her enfeebled mother aboard the train. We talked about how people who don't believe in evolution are dumb. She was pretty keen on Jesus, now that I think about.
4. Young Jerks - the category that I fall into. They ride the train and talk loudly on their cellular phones about what Paula is doing and omg are you going to Claudine's tonight and Kendra's dating Michael again I thought they broke up! Many of them are trying to be young professionals, to which I respond, ha ha, you wouldn't be riding the train if you were successful, your ass would be on an aeroplane.
Passive Aggression is the only way to meet new people.
Anyway, this week's theme (which is almost over! We are masters of timely writing!) is Transit, if you couldn't guess, and it's especially relevant to me right now, as I'm noving to New York City for some reason. I guess. I mean, everyone does eventually, right? Unless you're like James, and live in Chicago, and are like, whatevs*. But given that right now I live in the middle of bumblefuck nowhere, it'll be a nice shift. For example, when bored, I can walk out of my sublet, and see things. As opposed to now, where I basically just get bored and then eat food.
*Whatevs indeed, James.
It's not really too new for me. I've been to New York before, and I know not to look up at them fancy-pants tall buildings (else betray my sorghum-root chewing, squirrel-eatin', hee-haw watching roots), though the last time I was there I got this awful sore throat. It wasn't too bad, since I talked like Tom Waits for a solid week, and got a free cup of tea at this cafe once. So I can't help but wonder if Real Tom Waits gets things like that - people offering him cough drops, throat lozenges, soothing chamomile tea. It must be pretty nice!
Speaking of scary things, I am infested with bird mites. They came from a nest of baby birds that live out on the back porch. Needless to say, the birds no longer live there, and their mites are slowly going away too. Having been infested with things before, though, I gotta say, bird mites are the way to go - they wash off easy, don't leave any horrifying, itchy marks, and barely bite at all.
Though, right, yes, Transit. I take the train. I would take the train to the effing moon if I could. It's like riding in a larger plane, where instead of being surrounded by vacationers, you are surrounded by one of four types of people, which I shall detail thusly.
1. Menonites - there will be dozens of them, and they all leave around Philadelphia. To where? Who knows! Once there was a large family of them on the same train as I, and they had an adorable child. The child, maybe two years old, kept walking back to me and staring. The anxious father, who looked to be about eighteen, would quickly scoop the child up, like I was the devil or something. When the father dropped the child on it's head while disembarking, I couldn't help but feel that my revenge was complete. Then I found out I was deriving joy from a child's injury.
I am good people!
2. Drug Dealers - you will know them, because they are dressed very well. Suspiciously well. Like, shouldn't be riding the train well. Their luggage is nice, their clothes are nice, and their cell phones are shiny and clean. They make poor conversationalists, though, perhaps because they hate the game, or something. Whatever, they're almost as big a bunch of douchebags as the menonites.
3. Old People - there was a time in my life when I didn't have any friends below the age of 65, so I dig old people. They're frequently crazy about Jesus. I once had an old man walk up to me, and ask me if I was a Christian. I responded that yes, I am, I'm Catholic. He then told me that boy, he's sure glad he knows the love of Jesus Christ. And I was like, yep. We then sat in awkward silence for two hours, before he started talking about Pittsburgh. Another time, I sat next to an older black lady, who was accompanying her enfeebled mother aboard the train. We talked about how people who don't believe in evolution are dumb. She was pretty keen on Jesus, now that I think about.
4. Young Jerks - the category that I fall into. They ride the train and talk loudly on their cellular phones about what Paula is doing and omg are you going to Claudine's tonight and Kendra's dating Michael again I thought they broke up! Many of them are trying to be young professionals, to which I respond, ha ha, you wouldn't be riding the train if you were successful, your ass would be on an aeroplane.
Passive Aggression is the only way to meet new people.
Labels: Douchebags I have known, People Have Diseases, Raptor Jesus, trains
posted by Thomas Carlyle | 1:55 PM
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