The Zombie Menace

Today I am going to write about the Zombie Menace, and how unprepared our society is for this looming crisis. Now I am not talking about your 1960’s, raised by some mad scientist zombies, I mean your infected with some crazy disease, unstoppable, completely uncontrollable zombies. I really feel that people don’t realize what would happen if a zombie outbreak got out of hand.

To be honest, zombies are also my biggest fear. As I lay in bed at night I find myself mentally checking the room’s defenses. Is the bedroom door locked? Is the front door locked? How long would our food and water last if we had to isolate ourselves? What sort of anti-zombie weapons can we make from what is in the house right now? And then I wonder, would my friends and family survive, would I be able to reach them before the outbreak got too widespread? Even if I did survive would the government declare a state of emergency and napalm the whole area anyway?

This thing is, despite all these fears, and the fact that they regularly keep me up at night, and are the subject of some very frightening reoccurring nightmares, I have an uncontrollable fascination with zombies.) This fascination that lead me to the book The Zombie Survival Guide and the realization just how unprepared the world is for this kind of disaster. The U.S. government refuses to even acknowledge the existence of the undead, including zombies, so how can they have a coherent plan to deal with the outbreak when it happens? And that means it is up to us to protect ourselves.

People often ask me why I am so afraid of zombies, seriously, there are plenty of other things to be afraid of out there in the world, and zombies aren’t even “real”. I mean, really, all they want to do is eat our brains. Well, real is a relative term in my mind. I mean, what are the chances that you are going to be killed by some ax murderer who just happens to walk into your house? And what is the likelihood that you are ever going to be thrown into a pit of poisonous snakes? But what it really all comes down to is the fact that ax murderers and snakes are real things, they can be dealt with, stopped, and killed.

Zombies for me symbolize an every growing, never ending destruction. They are the pinnacle of hedonism: always consuming, never satiated, never stopping. Sure you can kill one, but they have an endless supply which is always replenishing itself. And they are all driven by the uncontrollable desire to eat human flesh.

Of course, this is all conjecture, maybe zombies really don’t exist. Maybe my fear of zombies is just my overactive imagination. Maybe they are simply the personification of humans acting on their most basic urges, and what I am really afraid of is the animalistic nature that exists in everyone, our inner zombie as it were.

Either way, if the outbreak does come me, my shotgun, and my machete are going to be ready to save the world . . . . or at least defend my apartment.

Demos: Don't Push Us When We're Hot

Discussions of breaking the theme aside, here's the draft I sent over to the newspaper to be published. Sometimes, the demos deserve to be outshown by their full studio release sibling, and I think this column is a great example of that. Fear not, I've got something for the theme week, but this will tide you over until I'm happy with the quality and quantity of my output.

There is a discussion among music industry pundits as to what, exactly, to do with the games "Rock Band" and "Guitar Hero". After you get through the usual "Why don't they just play real guitars?" question (Answer: It differs from person to person, but in a lot of cases because it's fun faster.) and the suits thumbing their noses (Hello Velvet Rope!), what emerges most often is the word "market".

Market is an important choice of word. It shows what gamers are thought of. It dehumanizes the subjects and dismisses the idea of a shared community, experience or anything else except for age or geographical location. I'll return to this later. But, they see an "emerging market" for music in gamers. This "emerging market" is the enthusiastic "Guitar Hero" and "Rock Band" players who will buy new songs, sold as downloadable content. Why are we an emerging market? Because the record industry didn't pay attention to gamers before (even with the huge success of SingStar abroad), and now that downloadable content and "Guitar Hero" took off in numbers that raised some eyebrows, suddenly, gamers (and I include myself) courted.

This means, first and foremost, there's going to be a lot more garbage released on "Guitar Hero" and "Rock Band", as any band who is smart enough will insist that part of their contract mandate that the label work with MTV or Harmonix to get their material on the games will, with the right push from the label (read: burlap sacks filled with money), get their focus tested single in. (See also: The upcoming Aerosmith edition of "Guitar Hero".) But, it also means that Zeppelin, Pink Floyd and Beatles songs (what the industry might reasonable call high profile content) will become available to play.

The music industry sees the energy and willingness to spend money in the gaming world as something worth tapping into, and worth trying to profit off of. (They are not wrong, gamers are an reliable market which generates revenue consistently and in a physical retail environment. For an industry losing its core demographics left and right, this is an especially tempting pie.)

The interaction between the players in "Rock Band" and "Guitar Hero" and the feeling of "yes, I'm nailing this song" are what sells copies, and makes believers out of gamers. This is at odds with the current state of the music industry. There's enough economics people in the music industry, which is common knowledge, but not enough believers.

What remains to be seen is how the people making "Guitar Hero" and "Rock Band" will respond to the tempting offers of money to stuff their high profile game with sub-par material. "Guitar Hero 3" (the latest iteration) had small, but unforgivable problems with button response time, which is crucial in a timed response game. On the other hand, it had a more varied and deeper track list, which made "Guitar Hero 3" unbearable to play, knowing that when I hit the notes correctly, and on time, the game would not register it, making a "plunk" noise and taking me out of the experience.

That edition of "Guitar Hero" has since sold over a couple million copies, which is a success for any game. The problem is, players who bought the game got frustrated with the controls, and have since stopped playing that edition. As the music industry loses goodwill left and right, it's important to note that the "Guitar Hero" and "Rock Band" franchises have had some crossover success. Let us hope the success is not Pyrrhic.

Theme week: Hedonism. And vaguely anti-corporate sentiment!

Upon hearing that my beloved Planningtorock is going to be at South by Southwest this year, I sprang (Sprung! Springed!) into action, and tried to get Zachary to convince me this was a bad idea. Since this is Zachary, however, nothing is ever a bad idea, but in the end, we found out that the cheapest way to do this would still cost far too much money, and maybe result in us getting mugged. In Austin. Texas, why are you our most irascible state? Don't change, though, we still love you.

In our way.

In fitting with the theme of this week, let's see what Webster's Dic(HAHAHA)tionary has to say about Hedonism: "The doctrine that pleasure or happiness is the sole or chief good in life." Well hey, okay. Didn't Oscar Wilde say that same thing exactly? Well, he did, but in defense of Webster, Wilde said a lot of things. Cheesy introductions aside, really now, I struggle to understand individuals who do not, in their way, life lives for their own happiness. Self flagellating monks took doubtless pleasure from their whips and uncomfortable shirts, knowing that their reward lay beyond. Further, I mean, come on - monks? Seeking the chief good in life? Those bros were ALL ABOUT the chief good in life. Thanks a lot for your crappy definition, Daniel Webster. I hope you get what's coming to you.

Anyway. My greatest vice, aside from eating diet foods and bitching about iPods, is music. It is an intensely personal vice - I meet other people with different tastes, and I must resist the urge to rend the flesh from their bones for not agreeing with me, or for having even heard of the bands I like. And I fully acknowledge that this is a stupid thing to think, because music is like TOTALLY OMG WOW a personal experience, and so it is a ridiculous thing to force my subjective assumptions onto strangers. So when it comes to music, I usually just shut the hell up and hold back my tide of bitchfork-like fury against the uninitiated, because no one likes that. The last thing I want is people hating me for silly reasons - there are already so many good reasons out there. I'd feel like I was wasting their time.

So there are things that we must do to preserve our hedonism - our happiness is never a sure thing. We are sensitive to the moods of others, to the weather, to what we ate last night for dinner. Our pleasure is never immune to distortion, and it is always precious and fragile. It is a rare gift to find those individuals who are able to enjoy themselves with the relentless force of a hurricane, or even to be able to ignore the small details that derail more detail oriented minds. Hedonism is so often pegged as a bad idea, but why? If it is the pursuit of happiness and goodness, what's so wrong with that?

I might argue that there are profits at stake. If you convince others that they aren't having a good time, you can provide for them an easy out. Consider the advertising blurb for the Hedonism resorts:

"Sleep in. Stay up late. Give up counting calories. Have a drink before noon. Give up mineral water. Dine in shorts. Talk to strangers. Don't make your bed. Go skinny dipping. Don't call your mother. Let your hair down. Don't pay for anything. Don't leave a tip. Be your beautiful self in spectacular Negril or Runaway Bay, Jamaica."

These are the same manipulations that get us to spoil ourselves and buy a luxury car, or to indulge in some hideous new meat patty and sauce at a fast food restaurant. The above text does not inspire me to be beautiful in any way - it makes me an ugly, self-centered jerk. An easily impressed self-centered jerk. Talk to strangers! Eat in shorts! These are not, strictly speaking, novel. If we are made to think that these things are new and that they can be provided by this service, then our sense of being beautiful and free hinges on paying these fuckers. Don't get me (and my misdirected self-righteousness) wrong, there are some people who probably totally love that place. But they are tools and I hate them. The more we relegate the pleasures of life to a specifically cordoned off area, the more they are removed from our daily life - we become the agents of our own discontent.

So, enjoy hedonism week. Think about what you do for your own pleasure (you sickening freak), and about how different you would be as a person if this were taken away from you. ON WITH THE SHOW.

Be Not Unhappy, Child of Bosnia

Hello, gentle readers. Have you heard about the war on bloggers? Take arms, gentle readers, and hoist the flag of our feisty fiefdom high - war approaches. Do we have a flag? Is our Latin emblazoned upon a saucy tabard? Do we have merchandise? Oh ho ho. Patience, my pets.

As you are so concerned with my health, it behooves me to inform you that I have resumed my strict exercise regimen, which basically consists of me throwing myself forward on a treadmill until my lungs clench up and I vomit. Not really, but, Rocky-like, I must force myself through the struggle of tiger eyes (in my case, remixes of the Still Alive song from Portal) or whatever to beat up a Russian. Fuck that, I'll just eat myself skinny. This plan makes total sense. MMM CELERY, THE DIET HELPER THAT SPRANG FROM THE BLOOD OF SWIFT KADMILOS.

Speaking of conflict (not so much of swift Kadmilos), have you heard any of the strange meta-debate going on over that photo of Barack Obama where he is apparently cosplaying as Fireflower Mario. It's not a debate about the debate that might be debated if the photo (linked to) were debatable. And all of this, mind you, is for the primaries - I begin to wish that I'd registered democrat back on that sunny day that I registered to vote, just so I'd say that I participated in this slapdash chaos. Also, since we're dishing about candidates, I would just like to say that I do not hate John McCain. He is a welcome change from the "Let's nominate the most vile cretin available" modus operandi of the republican party. While still a vile cretin, he is at least able to talk for ten minutes without making me want to punch him in the face. So. There's that.

Regardless of how the upcoming election goes, I will hereby commit only to this statement - I voted for the other person who would doubtlessly be doing a better job of being president. It is a brave stance to take, one that requires careful research and planning, of estimating how each candidate will perform if elected. You have to know their stances on the war in Iraq, the economy, health care, and what they are doing with our tarnished reputation, at home and abroad. And you have to be cynical - this is, perhaps, the worst part. While everyone else is participating at their rallies and having fun, I have to be skulking, jackal-like, on the very edge of their warm bonfires, ready to leap upon the winning party with my clucking tongue and furrowed brow. The other candidate would have done so much better. Our politics have gotten to the point where presidential preference has become an indicator of personal merit - any nincompoop who voted for Bush in either election must be properly apologetic, or risk being labeled a dangerous inebriate - and that as soon as any candidate actually becomes president, their greatest flaws are immediately seized upon and exaggerated. Kinda depressing. Thankfully there is beer. OR IS THERE? We stand at the precipice of a bold new future, one where we must face our failures without the aid of sweet sweet beer - planning ahead and making careful decisions are the only way that we can possibly hope to avoid regret.

I kind of want to punch myself in the face. Until next time, gentle readers - there will be a theme week! It will be terrible!

My Thoughts Hold Me Captive

Readers I must confess: I fear I have Stockholm's Syndrome. Every day I wake up and all procrastinate as long as I can before my captor forces me into my chair for what I know will be several hours worth of work. When I finally go to bed at night all that fills my thoughts is the dread of another day under this cruel kidnapper. And the worst part is, I still love them. At the end of every day I cant help but feel elated at my work, and excitement for what it will one day become. Friends try to lure me away with games, snacks, and tv, but all I want to to is plow bravely forward.

Anyway, the real news is in this fun little piece of technology that I heard about on the radio a while back, and have been wanting to write about for a while. Ultrasound technology has been around since the 1960's, but it is only recently that this fun little bit of science has been directed towards advertising. (Har Har) Ultrasound uses a very very very small wavelength to create a super focused beam of sound that can only be heard when one is standing in the target area. And when heard, no matter how close the sound projecting apparatus is it sounds as if the noise is coming from right next to you.

There are tons of practical applications for technology like this. The government has started experimenting with practicality in sending covert messages. Audio Spotlight by Holosonic Research Labs advertises that their products are used in the New York public library, reminding people to be quiet, the Seattle Space needle, and even in Disney's Epcot center. The projector can be used to provide commentary on exhibits while maintaining the quiet ambiance of a museum. And all of these uses are well and good, until someone decided to take the next step.

Imagine that your walking down a street in down town Watertown Mass. All of a sudden you hear someone whispering in your ear! "Who's there? Who's there?! . . . its not your imagination!" The voice then precedes to direct your attention to an A&E billboard advertising the television series "Paranormal State", and once you pass out of range of the projector you can no longer hear the advertisement.

Now I don't want to sound too much like James here readers, but this fucking scares me! While, on the one hand it does seem pretty cool, on the other it is like: Hey, that is my head, and the only voices I want to hear are my own! I don't want to think that I need to ask the doctor for some special pills, or worse, that I am being haunted by an extremely consumerist ghost.

But all joking aside, something like this could have serious repercussions for our society. Now when you are riding the subway or stuck in traffic you have the choice to not look at all the advertisements around you, but what if ultrasound technology was used. You would be forced to listen to whoever was willing to pay the most to advertise in your head. It is all a very slipery slope thing, you know. Like at first it is just safety announcements, like "car accident 5 miles ahead, take an alternate root". Safe and harmless right? But then before you know it you are hearing advertisements broadcasted into your home during dinner time.

It is all very 1984 and I simply don't like it.